Excerpts
from Chuckle Chowder
by Sue Annabrooke Jones
Jury foreperson to court: "On the count of grand theft auto, we
the jury find the defendant not guilty."
Excited defendant to lawyer: "Does this mean I get
to keep the car?!"
An Irishman walked into an Ulster bar, ordered three pints of beer, sat
down at a table and sipped from each glass in turn. When he finished all three, he returned to
the bar and ordered three more.
"You know," said the bartender, "a pint starts to go flat after I draw
it. They'd taste better if you bought them one at a time."
The Irishman explained, "No, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other's in Australia and I'm here in Ulster. When we all left home, we promised that
we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drink one for each o' me
brothers and one for meself." Thinking this a nice custom, the bartender smiled to himself.
The Irishman became a regular at the pub, always drinking this same
way, ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered two pints.
All the other regulars in the place took notice and fell silent. When the Irishman returned to
the bar for his second round, the bartender said, "I would like to offer my condolences on your
great loss."
"Oh, everyone's fine," said the Irishman. "It's just that I joined the
Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
Definition of an intellectual: someone who can
listen to The William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Three contestants — a Swiss banker, a British
historian and an American hillbilly — were on a TV quiz show. "For one
hundred thousand dollars," began the host, "fill in the missing word in
this song line and correctly spell it. Are you ready?" The contestants
nodded eagerly.
The host turned to the Swiss banker: "Old
MacDonald had
a — ?"
"Chalet," replied the banker. "C-H-A-L-E-T."
"No, I'm sorry, that's the wrong answer," said the
host, who now turned to the British historian. "For one hundred thousand
dollars, Old MacDonald had a — ?"
"Stately home," answered the Brit. "S-T-A-T-E-L-Y H-O-M-E."
"No, I'm sorry, wrong answer," said the host. He
turned to the American hillbilly, who by now was beside himself with
excitement. "For one hundred thousand dollars, Old MacDonald had a — ?"
"Farm!" shouted the hillbilly. "E-I-E-I-O!"
Egg-laying exam answer: Martin Luther was nailed to the church
door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences.
There was a Chinese man named Yitzhak Mendelbaum. A woman at a cocktail
party asked him, "You don't look Jewish, how did you get that name?"
"Well, I was coming through the immigration
line," explained the Asian gentleman, "and the inspector said to the
person in front of me, 'What's your name?' And he answered 'Yitzhak
Mendelbaum.' When it was my turn, he asked me for my name. And I
told him, 'Sam Ting.'"
Question: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
Answer: Paddy O'Furniture.
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